How to use Bye, Bye Tantrums
1. Introduce
It’s important to familiarize your child with the cards before you use them. Your child needs to understand the actions that are represented on the cards.
- Pick out one card from each category and talk about the action in each picture.
- Talk about the different categories and brainstorm some examples of each.
- Encourage the child to sort the cards by color.
- Pick out one category and discuss the action on each card. (Do this with each category in turn. With younger children, you may choose to do only one category per day.)
- Play concentration with the cards: Mix them up and place them face down. Encourage your child to pick two cards at a time. If they match in color, he keeps the pair—if it’s not a match he puts the cards face down and tries again.
2. Use
Choose the category of card that applies to the situation you’re undertaking with your child. Explain that on every card a child is doing the right thing. Ask your child to help you choose cards that apply.
- If you’re going to the grocery store, lay out all the cards for SHOPPING.
- Explain, “We are going shopping at the grocery store. Let’s pick out cards showing children doing the right thing at the grocery store.”
- “Now pick out 2 or 3 cards that you would like to try doing today at the grocery store. If you can do the same thing that the child is doing on the card, you will get a treat or prize!”
- If your child cannot pick out the cards, pick out 2 cards, making sure that he can be successful and receive a prize. Add more cards after your child successfully completes the first few attempts.
- You may want the child to hold the cards as a reminder of what he is supposed to do. Put those cards in a baggie or keep a spare deck on hand if you’re worried he’ll lose them.
3. Reward
Rewarding your little one for correct behavior is essential for cementing the process. Younger children need immediate rewards. Older children like to bank points and cash in at the end of the week for a bigger prize.
- Raisins
- Cheerios
- M&M’s (not the best choice, but when all else fails they always works)
- Stickers
- Stamps
- Lipstick kisses
- Small treasure toys (Oriental Trading a good source)
- A special privilege (you know what is important to your child)
- Play a favorite game together
- Have a tea party
- Make cookies together
- Build a fort together
- Invite a friend over for a playdate
- Take a walk around the neighborhood together
- Go to the park
- Have lunch at their favorite place
- Play dress up together
- Smaller treats or prizes can be kept in your purse or pockets (one in each pocket). For fun, let your child choose the pocket that the reward is in.
- If you have a treasure box, your child can choose his own rewards. Go to the dollar store and pick out the rewards for the treasure box together. Remember they must earn the rewards.
Bribes vs. Rewards
We’re often asked about the difference between bribes and rewards. We like to compare it to the difference between a bribe and a paycheck in the adult world—one is an under-the-table cash payment in the heat of the moment, and the other is a mutually agreed-upon aboveboard transaction.
A few more differences:
- Bribes are reactive. Rewards are proactive.
- Bribes reinforce acting out. Rewards are earned with good behavior.
- Bribes are last-ditch efforts. Rewards are planned in advance.
- Bribes are offered in frustration. Rewards are thoughtfully considered.
- Bribes are an indication that the child is in control. Rewards are an indication that the parent is in control.
- Bribes are emotional. Rewards are rational.
- Bribes are given resentfully. Rewards are given proudly.
